Browse Professor Quotes

"You need to remember this, or I'll spit in your mouth!" 

—Richeimer, Symbolic Logic
Apprently Sam Mather is a 'Podium Free Zone'...
—Professor McFarlane PSYC 305: Physiological Psychology
Life is more than just a giant breast you can suck on to fulfill your needs
—Professor Levine, PSYC112.
What would you think if I showed up for class on Tuesday and didn't say a word. What if I was wearing a pink evening dress, my hair dyed bright purple, and in my hand I held a whip?
—Prof. Judy Smith (American Fiction) Discussing "Invisible Man"
We will have homework after each chapter... they will be long... or very long.
—Professor An, ECON 101, Principles of Microeconomics
Sometimes I wonder how I made it out of third grade.
—Yutan D.Y.L. Getzler, Organic Chemistry II
Power is apparently out... that's ok, these are dark subjects anyways.
—Professor Leibowitz: PSCI 200, Classical Quest for Justice
Is there a chalk gnome that comes in between classes and takes the chalk? Did anyone see him?
—Professor Mauck, Biology 112, shortly after the start of the class
Would you sleep well at night with a crappy solution like that?
—Prof. Ely, in response to somebody who wanted to use for() loops to do multiplication
Power is apparently out... that's ok, these are dark subjects anyways.
—Professor Leibowitz: PSCI 200, Classical Quest for Justice
You either walk like a vertibrate or you're a lump of jelly and you hae a shell put around you by the beurocracy and you're an oister.
—Professor Fred Bauman, Describing DeTocqueville's conception of democracy without associations in Quest
When talking about the differences between us and animals many people mention that we are the only ones that use drugs. This is not true as Koalas just sit around and get stoned all day by eating Eucalyptus leaves. You know one of them is sitting up there saying to the other, Dude...I can totally hear my fur growing, and the other one is like, Dude...I know.
—Professor Schortman, Intro. to Archaeology
The job (The US Presidency) was not designed for George Washington... it was designed for Richard Nixon.
—Professor Elliott, Liberal Democracy in America
Read Chapter Two for Monday... and if you're really short on time read I guess you can just read the first 2 page of Chapter 2.
—Professor Elliott, Liberal Democracy in America
We all only have a select number of epiphanies. You can create them artificially with drugs, but I prefer the natural kind.
—Professor Harrington Econ 101
I like to describe it as: unemployment has been illegal in the US ever since 1946...
—Professor Elliott, Liberal Democracy in America on the Full Employment Act of 1946
Ok, let's stop making love to punctuation now.
—Professor Serfass in IPHS, after a short break discussion about which punctuation marks people would make love to if they could.
If you're going to make drugs, just make ones that have been invented already, and try them on rabbits first.
—Professor Hofferberth, Organic Chemistry 231: On the ability to synthesize street drugs.
The Grand Canyon is just a f***ing hole! Idiots take pictures of it!
—Professor Richeimer, IPHS lecture
I steal. Everyone steals. It's the postmodern thing to do.
—Professor Radella, Beginning Jazz Dance
See, I would appreciate the game. I would have positive marginal utility and you, you would just be a blob of flesh!
—Professor Harrington, Econ 101 to a student who got free tickets to a baseball game and didnt want to go.
I hope you guys dont think I'm a grumpus. That Im just grumptastic...
—Professor Malawey Music 122Y when discussing binary form
Autoeroticism... you know, something you do in your car.
—Prof. Spiller in Intro to Cultural Anth, when discussing sex and trying to get the class to respond.
Ohhh, I hate this school...
—Professor Matz, after realizing that the sound didn't work at all for the dvd he planned on showing us in Engl 260.
This [economics] book has other uses: [you can] press pretty flowers, return it for a weekend supply of beer, or as a cold weapon.
—Professor An, ECON 101: Principles of Microeconomics
Jack and Jill went down the hill, got hammered, and got dissonant!
—Professor Heuchemer- Musc 479 Symphonic Wind Ensemble when describing the style in which to play a piece
Only one person finds out he fucked the goat on stage and that was the best friend.
—Professor Kramer, Baby Drama.
HE thought his father was pissing in his mother's mouth!
—Prof. Fenigstein, Human Sexual Behavior
[Your] Cats only make one tone? Chinese cats makae many tones.
—Professor Li Yan Fang; Speaking about a pronunciation exercise to emphasize tones.
Sometimes I wish Socrates would just go back in his cave.
—Professor Rowe, Political Science Junior Honors
Yes, these are columns, but without the capitols as we are used to seeing them. We know that they are just a cylindrical covering over a steel beam. They are... like fake.
—Professor Dwyere speaking about the columns in the Olin Aud.
I love voting for coroner.
—Professor Elliot describing the utility of the American long ballot.
What kills you doesn't make you stronger.
—Professor Hemkin
Acutally, the fraz is going to compete with it.
—Professor Dwyere talking about the size of the Great Pyrmid of Egypt in relation to the size of the B.A.R.F.
Well, I guess there was a civil war, and I guess that was worth paying attention to...
—Professor Elliot on his origional thoughts on the utility of history. PSCI 200, Liberal Democracy In America
I would sing it for you but my daughter's first full sentence was 'mom don't sing.' I'm serious.
—Professor Smolak, Psychology of Women
Don't impose your values on others... children think that 2+2=3 or 5 or green, but you teach them!
—Professor Leibowitz, PSCI 220, Classical Quest for Justice (On the shortfalls of relativitism)
That's what you get for trying to be a hipster
—Professor Matz in Modernism, after walking across the room and realizing that his trendy shoes made an annoying squeaking noise.
Why should we be reading an old dead white guy? A frenchmen, no less?
—Professor Rowe, PSCI Jr. Honors, prompting the class to explain Toqueville's importance.
Why does Shakespeare entertain us in this play? Do you think that Christ, during the Sermon on the Mount, should have thrown in a few one liners?
—from a discussion about comic relief in "The Tempest" Prof. Hyde, English 103.08, Imagining America
I wasn't going to say this, but I have tenure, so I'm going to go ahead and go for it...
—Professor Levine, Professor of Psychology, Theories of Personality class.
A somewhat modern comparison would be the way Americans view aliens, ranging from E.T. to Alien and Predator. One view has aliens wanting peanut butter candy; the other ones kill people.
—Professor Volz, History of the Indian Ocean on evaluating the differing premodern European conceptions of the Indian Ocean.
Occasionally, you get those Martial Artsy faculty members.
~when asked whether anyone at Kenyon could beat up a 10-year old Spartan boy~
—Professor Baumann ~ Quest for Justice
Only modern governments have the power to stop people from climbing things.
—Professor Dwyer to a question on why Egpytian authorities failed to prevent people from attempting to scale the great pyramids at Giza after many fatalities in Intro to Art History
I can look it up. Maybe. I don't like to make rash claims.
—Professor Dwyer responding to an obscure query from a student, ARHS 110: Survey of Art Part I.
Slurs are your friend. Roll them. Smoke them.
—Prof. H, whien explaining a musical technique to the Symphgonic Wind Ensemble
One of the four things you should know about the Roman empire is it was absorbent, like Charmin.
—Professor Serfass in his IPHS lecture about Virgil's "Aeneid."
Achilles ain't no punk!
—Professor Hanhemann, IPHS 113-114
I used to have an epileptic dog. His name was Sparky. We named him before we knew he was epileptic
—Talking about the effect of drugs (in this case sedatives) on animals. Professor Niemiec - Psych 101
The dead are popping up like prairie dogs. (in reference to resurrection)
—Professor Rhodes, Religion 381: Meanings of Death
The downside of sexual reproduction is that it's complicated, messy, and requires a partner.
—Professor Slonczewski, Genetics (BIOL 114)
....Sometimes I do enjoy my own company more than anyone else. . . - while in the midst of reading aloud from the text.
—Professor Klein: Intro to Anglo-Saxon
Some of you would look better without baseball hats, but some of you should wear ski masks.
—Professor Scott while doing attendance
On Axis II, the husband would warrant a diagnosis of total asshole.
—Prof. Levine, Abnormal Psychology
And I was like Oh my God, I had children with you!
—Professor Fennessy, on her husband running behind the DDT truck as a kid
it's a good thing, as martha stuart would say
—Professor De Pascuale, talking about Kierkegaard
You're not beating a child, you're beating a drum!
—Professor Heuchemer- Music 479 Syumphonic Wind Ensemble- in telling the percussion section to hit the instruments with more aggression
We're going to talk about modernization and I've misspelled industrialization...
—Professor Klesner PSI 342: Politics of Development, as he writes quickly on the board.
I assume my lecture is not a roller coaster. Although I try to make it interesting.
—Professor McFarlane PSYC 305: Physiological Psychology
We should start a new school of poetry... the limbic system instead of the heart. 'My limbic system bleeds for you'... well, at least we will have the advantage that we're accurate.
—Professor McFarlane PSYC 305: Physiological Psychology
High school boys just love Ayn Rand, I don't know why the hell that is, but they really do.
—Professor De Pascuale in Existentialism